Marriage is beautiful—but let’s be real, it can also be weird, messy, and occasionally absurd. In those early newlywed days, you might wonder if you’re doing it right (spoiler: no one really knows). One moment, you’re arguing over dish soap; the next, you’re laughing till it hurts. That’s marriage.
These funny marriage advice for newlyweds quotes won’t solve every problem, but they’ll help you laugh through the confusion, find humor in the chaos, and remember that love doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth it.
Funny Marriage Advice for Newlyweds
1. “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Ruth Bell Graham
Let’s be honest—you’ll both mess up. A lot. The sooner you get good at saying “my bad” and meaning it, the smoother this ride will be.
2. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” – Anonymous
Compromise is cute until it’s about thermostat settings or where to eat. You’ll get the hang of it. Eventually.
3. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” – Henny Youngman
No one has it all figured out. If someone tells you they do, they’re either lying… or haven’t gotten to the in-laws conversation yet.
4. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
Sometimes, the greatest accomplishment in marriage is convincing the other person they didn’t make a huge mistake.
5. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are” – Will Ferrell
Trust me, nothing reveals your partner’s true soul like lagging Wi-Fi and a deadline.
6. “Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops.” – Unknown
Is it outdated? Maybe. Still makes you laugh? Absolutely. Also—keep the receipts, just in case.
7. “A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.” – Unknown
From the outside, it looks fine. But inside? It’s a wild mix of patience, humor, weird snacks, and the occasional overreaction.
8. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
This one’s a joke (kind of). But really, learn your fight styles—and maybe keep snacks around for peace talks.
9. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.” – Unknown
Just a reminder: laugh often. Even if it’s through clenched teeth and eye rolls.
10. “The four most important words in any marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” – Unknown
Forget flowers. This sentence is the real romance language. Learn it. Use it. Love will follow.
11. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” – Booth Tarkington
Translation: Both of you are winging it. Just agree to keep thinking the other one is amazing and carry on.
12. “A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Dramatic? Absolutely. But there’s a truth hiding in the joke: marriage changes things. Mostly your solo control of the remote.
13. “Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.” – Unknown
You’ll laugh, tease, and get under each other’s skin. Strangely, that becomes the best part.
14. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates
Either way, you grow. Wisdom or joy—marriage gives you both… sometimes on the same day.
15. “The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.” – Unknown
Consider this fair warning. Forgetting once makes that date stick in your brain forever.
Related Post: 50 Heartfelt 5-Years Wedding Anniversary Quotes
16. “Marriage is finding that one special person to spend the rest of your life annoying.” – Rita Rudner
If you’re doing it right, your weirdness will be totally accepted—and matched.
17. “Getting married is like trading in the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” – Mae West
You might not get constant compliments anymore, but you’ll get roasted with love. And that’s even better.
18. “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” – Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Not everything needs a comeback. Selective hearing is highly underrated, especially during closet reorganizations.
19. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” – Joey Adams
There’s a rhythm to marriage—just try to stay a half-step ahead, and you’ll survive with a smile.
20. “Marry someone who can cook. Looks fade, hunger doesn’t.” – Unknown
Love may be the main course, but snacks will save the marriage.
21. “The key to a successful marriage? Separate bathrooms.” – Anonymous
Seriously, nothing tests love like toothpaste cap habits and weird shower playlists. If you can’t get two bathrooms, at least get two drawers.
22. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” – Evelyn Hendrickson
The romance is real, but so are the bills, laundry, and “Did you feed the dog?” moments. Welcome to the wake-up call—it’s still worth it.
23. “Don’t marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.” – Scottish Proverb
Marry for laughs, support, and shared Netflix tastes—but definitely not for a joint credit score. Trust me.
24. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” – Cher
A little sass from Cher, but also: choose someone who makes you laugh at yourself. That joy will carry you further than any fairytale.
25. “Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.” – Unknown
New rule: say “Are you listening?” before every sentence. Then say it again for good measure.
26. “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.” – Unknown
It’s true. Celebrate the small wins. Even if they come with dramatic sighs and hero poses.
27. “Being married is like having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.” – Unknown
Repetition is part of the charm. Just make sure your stories get better with every retelling.
28. “My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.” – Henny Youngman
Marriage means loving every version of your partner—yes, even the ones that slightly overdo the seasoning.
29. “The difference between being in a relationship and being married? In a relationship, you wake up early to impress. In marriage, you wake up and survive.” – Unknown
Welcome to the comfy zone. Where eye crust and mismatched socks are part of the love story.
30. “Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.” – François de La Rochefoucauld
Every couple has battled. The goal? Laugh about them before you fall asleep—preferably in the same bed.
31. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash
Humility and a zipped lip go a long way. Especially during furniture assembly.
32. “Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” – Irwin Corey
The real advice? Keep depositing time, attention, and spontaneous foot rubs.
33. “Why do married people live longer? Because they can’t argue if they’re dead.” – Unknown
Dramatic? Maybe. But a well-timed snack or nap can prevent most arguments. Choose peace. And pizza.
34. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers
You’ll have days. Just remember: Frustration is temporary, but a good punchline lasts forever.
35. “Marriage is just texting each other ‘Do we need anything from the store?’ until one of you dies.” – Unknown
Yep, the spark doesn’t die—it just becomes grocery-related. And honestly, that’s kind of adorable.
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36. “They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
Storms will happen. Just make sure you’re both holding the same umbrella.
37. “Never laugh at your wife’s choices… you’re one of them.” – Unknown
Every eye roll you receive is balanced by the fact that she still chooses you—daily.
38. “The best thing about marriage is that you can annoy one person for the rest of your life and call it love.” – Unknown
Pet peeves become traditions. That’s how you know it’s real.
39. “Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Sometimes, you’ll question your sanity. That’s normal. Especially when deciding on paint colors or baby names.
40. “The first thing to do in a happy marriage is learn to say yes, dear.” – Unknown
Classic for a reason. Not every hill is worth dying on—especially the one covered in IKEA parts.
41. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
Yep, that one gets two mentions. Because it really is the ultimate joy—having a teammate for both life and gentle trolling.
42. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
And behind that woman is a man asking where the remote is—even though it’s literally right there.
43. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” – Unknown
A little chaos, a few dinosaurs (read: relatives), and lots of adventure. Buckle up.
44. “The secret to a long marriage is… still a secret.” – Unknown
Everyone’s winging it. You included. The good news? If you’re laughing, you’re doing something right.
45. “Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.” – Unknown
Repeating this one for emphasis—because yes, even the wild days are part of the blessing.
46. “Husbands are the best people to share secrets with—they never listen anyway.” – Unknown
That glazed-over look? Part of the package. Just repeat the story when snacks are involved.
47. “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up… and occasionally unplug the Wi-Fi on each other.” – Unknown
Imperfection is the goal. Bonus points for humor and passive-aggressive router control.
48. “The best marriages are built on a solid foundation of sarcasm, inappropriately timed laughter, and mutual love for snacks.” – Unknown
Honestly, if you’ve got those three, you’re golden.
49. “Love is blind—but marriage is a real eye-opener.” – Pauline Thomason
You’ll see it all. The good, the bad, and the “that’s how you load the dishwasher?” kind of moments.
50. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces—it’s also about remembering to take the trash out.” – Joyce Brothers
The everyday stuff is the relationship. And when you do it with love (and maybe a little sass), it adds up to something beautiful.
Conclusion
Marriage is a wild ride—especially in the beginning. If you’re newlyweds, the best advice might just come with a wink and a punchline. That’s why funny marriage advice for newlyweds is more than just entertainment—it’s survival fuel.
A shared laugh can soften tension, break the ice after arguments, and remind you both that love doesn’t always look like a rom-com. It often looks like teamwork… and inside jokes. Keep the humor close—it’ll carry you far.
Alexis Lawson is a passionate writer and curator of timeless words. With a deep love for language and human emotion, she specializes in crafting and collecting meaningful quotes that inspire, uplift, and provoke thought. Whether it’s ancient wisdom or modern musings, Alexis believes that the right words at the right moment can change everything. When she’s not writing, you’ll find her sipping coffee, reading poetry, or chasing sunsets – always in search of the next line that speaks to the soul.
